I want this blog to be about the ups, downs, struggles, joys, etc. of parenting our son, Jackson. And I am sure you are all anxious to hear about how long it was before we saw Heather again. However, it has been brought to my attention that exactly this time last year, we were presented with the option of adopting another baby.

It is a really long story but I will do my best to shorten it and bring you what I feel are the important parts. We were approached by a friend whom had a cousin who was considering an adoption plan for her unborn baby. JJ and I had been talking about if we were going to have more children or not– here is a short story. We were driving to swim lessons one day and JJ said, and this is a direct quote: “I am open to the idea of discussing having another baby.” And what I heard was, “We are having another baby!” Fast forward a few months and we get this call from our friend. I didn’t think JJ would say yes so quickly but he did, so we started the process all over again.

We rushed to get everything taken care of in the shortest amount of time possible. Which meant we had to somehow come up with the over $10,000 needed to complete the adoption, get a home study done, get a background check, and be prepared to take on another child.

We did everything pretty much the same way we did with Heather. We went to all of her doctor appointments, tried to get to know her the best that we could in the short amount of time we had (she was 20 weeks when we found out about the baby). We thought everything was going well until we got the call from our social worker that she was looking at another family (we later found out she kept the baby) and our world was immediately turned upside down. We went from a point of excitement, telling all of our family and friends, including Jackson about the baby (at this time we had named her Julianna Grace), buying all new nursery items (as this time it was a girl), receiving piles upon piles of clothing from our family and planning our life around becoming a family of 4 to a life of unknown and feeling like failures.  We were confused and probably if we’re being honest, we were angry!

It was the weekend before Thanksgiving when we got the call. How fitting. Thanksgiving of 2016, I wasn’t exactly feeling thankful, I was feeling defeated, used, and broken. This time around though, I had a little boy watching my every move. While a majority of me just wanted to get on the first flight out of town, I couldn’t. I had to be strong for Jackson. I still had to be mom to Jackson. One of the most difficult things we had to do was tell our closest family members that the adoption fell through and we weren’t going to be adding Julianna Grace to our family.  We were completely devastated.

There are a lot of details that I’m going to skip, mainly because I don’t want to take my emotions back to those times, so fast forward almost a year later and I can honestly say JJ and I have grown from that experience, we learned from it, and we have a whole new love and admiration for the relationship we have with Heather. I know not every birth mom is going to be like Heather and I am thankful everyday for the relationship we have with Heather but it makes it even better when you go through something so terrible and Heather is there for you, listens to you, and eases your pain.  And let me tell you, it is still up for debate what is harder, losing a baby you carried at 10 weeks or losing a child you thought you were going to have at 32 weeks.

A few days after this devastating news, I heard this song for the first time.

Hillary Scott – Thy Will Lyrics

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PAmh3yvmzXs

I’m so confused

I know I heard you loud and clear

So, I followed through

Somehow I ended up here

I don’t wanna think

I may never understand

That my broken heart is a part of your plan

When I try to pray

All I got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

I know you’re good

But this don’t feel good right now

And I know you think

Of things I could never think about

It’s hard to count it all joy

Distracted by the noise

Just trying to make sense

Of all your promises

Sometimes I gotta stop

Remember that you’re God

And I am not

So

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will

I know you see me

I know you hear me, Lord

Your plans are for me

Goodness you have in store

I know you hear me

I know you see me, Lord

Your plans are for me

Goodness you have in store

So

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Like a child on my knees

All that comes to me is

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

I know you see me

I know you hear me, Lord

These words could not be more true to how I was feeling at that exact moment in time. I didn’t count it joy, I was brokenhearted, this could not be part of His plan, I was confused, I was hurting, I didn’t want to think, I couldn’t think, I didn’t want to understand but somehow through it all I too reminded myself, that “thy will be done.” I may not still understand or know what His will is but for now I will focus my attention on raising Jackson to know Jesus and I will focus my eyes on Him!